


Honey, We Are Having A Teenager

by killajokejosie



Category: Captain America (Movies), Deadpool (2016), Doctor Strange (2016), Iron Man (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, Spider-Man: Homecoming (2017), The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Angst, Comedy, Drunk Texting, Enthusiastic Consent, Exhausted Tony, Family, Happy Hogan hates Stony things, Hate, He is on a trip or something don't look too far into it, Love, Lust, M/M, Music, Natasha and Pepper are friends, Not Canon Compliant, Older Man/Younger Man, Pansexual Wade Wilson, Parent Tony Stark, Post-Deadpool (2016), Protective Avengers, Protective Steve Rogers, Steve lost Bucky for a moment, Stony Stony Stony, Teenagers, Tony Being Tony, Tony Stark Has Issues, Tony Stark Needs a Hug, Tony calls on Steve to come to him, Underage Drinking, Wade Saves Peter, Where in the world is Bucky?, mentor Tony, references to GOTG, why are you like this?
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-07-19
Updated: 2017-07-21
Packaged: 2018-12-04 01:39:33
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Underage
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,259
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11544753
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/killajokejosie/pseuds/killajokejosie
Summary: After a horrible run in with some of the worst kind of bad guys, followed by a very lucky save from a burned guy...May Parker is unable to be Peter's guardian. At least, until she is all healed up. In the meantime, he is under the care of Tony, who should be able to handle it...except that is not the case at all and he is suddenly in way over his head.





	1. Here Come Old Flat Top

There was such a thing as too much wine. Tony knew that, he wasn't a complete idiot. He also wasn't born yesterday, and he certainly wasn't a boy scout. He didn't want to be and he didn't need to be. That might not have been one hundred percent accurate, but he was also not trying to argue with himself, which was bound to happen if he continued on his current path of destruction.

He probably should have thought about what he was doing as he power drank the first bottle in what he was sure was under seven minutes. That was impressive for a dry red, at least, he thought it was. When he was half way through the second bottle, sitting in the middle of the floor of his bedroom, realizing that what he was drinking no longer tasted any bit like alcohol, he gave up. He had made a terrible mistake. 

There was absolutely no way that he was going to make it out of this alive, even if it was only for a few weeks. It just wasn't possible. He was actually willing to accept that he was more of a co-leader kind of guy and he needed his, well, whatever Steve was to him, now more than ever.

He really wasn't cut out for this. There was training that he was obviously missing. That, or a time machine. More likely the second one. 

"Mr. Stark, can I come in?" The teenager, also known as Peter Parker, also known as 'Pain in the ass' asked the question ever so politely. Tony would have been stupid to think that maybe, just maybe, the kid would listen. A good kid, yes, but a rule follower, not quite. He was way more like him then he wanted to admit, a fact that had drawn him to accepting temporary guardianship over him in the first place. 

Tony corked his bottle and got off of the floor, because that was the last thing that Peter needed to see. Tony was supposed to be smooth and calculating. He did not need Peter thinking that he was an absolute mess, drinking over a man all the while drinking over his newfound responsibility.

"Come in," He said, holding the bottle awkwardly as he realized that he didn't exactly have a good place to put the damn thing on such short notice, and by the time this realization had come, the words allowing the young man's entry had already slipped out of his mouth.

Peter opened the door, walking inside carefully. He was not trying to overstep his boundaries, but he hadn't seen Tony all day, which was strange. His curiosity was literally cutting away at his ability to concentrate on anything else. "Uh, hi,"

"Hi?" Tony repeated with his eyebrows raised. "What do you need, kid?"

Peter sighed. "Um...well, that is a good question, you see...the weird guy is back...Happy was showing him to a spare room and I...was wondering if I was still not allowed to talk to him..."

Tony finally found a spot for his corked bottle of wine on his end table before sitting down on the bed. "This is about Wade?"

"Well, yeah, because I wanted to talk to him and thank him for what he did for me and my Aunt May, but you didn't want me to talk to him and now he is back so I wondered if maybe that could change..." Peter trailed off in his rambling.

"Do you know why I don't want you talking to him?"

"No," Peter said, shaking his head as the image of Wade in his red and black suit popped back into his head. What an interesting thing that was? They almost seemed similar, for lack of a better word.

"It is because he is not part of the team. I know everything that is going on here, all of the time. I know what everyone is up to. I know what people are talking to you about. Wade, on the other hand, I have no control over. He isn't an Avenger, I'm not even sure if he is a good guy or not. The only thing I actually know about the guy is that he is almost completely invincible and that he happened to be in the right place at the right time when that museum collapsed. I have never even had a real conversation with the man face to face, it has always been with his mask on. I don't trust him." Tony explained, hoping it made enough sense. Peter was already giving him a funny look and even he was sure that his words were minorly slurring together, but that didn't matter if he had managed to get his point across.

"Hm. Okay. Well then. I guess you know what is best, though, don't you? Because you're you, and all."

"Exactly, now perhaps you should go to bed, you have a long day ahead of you, and so do I,"

Peter started to turn around, just before another thought had popped into his head. "Wait, so do you really know everything that goes on around here?"

Tony nodded. "Of course,"

"Oh, alright,"

"Why did you ask that, Peter?"

"Because I was wondering if you knew that Cap was back?"

Tony froze. There was an immediate lump in his throat that he couldn't swallow away. His throat was dry and he had lost all ability to blink his eyes. His heart was pounding in his chest, desperate to keep up with his million mile a minute thoughts. He couldn't breathe, he couldn't move, his skin was cold and it was all because of HIM.

"Something wrong? You look super freaked out all of a sudden? Oh man, did you not know he was here? Whoa. And, I did? That is so crazy."

"Do you happen to know what he is doing? Do you know where he is? Who is he with?" Tony shot off rapid fire questions, asking each one too fast behind the previous for poor Peter to even attempt to answer. 

"Uh...uh...can't you figure this stuff out on your own? Why does it matter?"

He wetted his lips, finally regaining some control over his body. "Yeah, right, it doesn't matter. I'm just glad that he is back."

"Riiiiiight," Peter stretched out the word to emphasize just how much he didn't believe him. It was literally ridiculous. He didn't even care how it sounded.

"I'm serious, it is a good thing,"

Peter spun around to leave, this time for good. As moved toward the door he was stopped in his tracks by a tall man with blonde hair and blue eyes, and a stern expression. They had met before, but there had been weaponry and suits in the way. This was something much different. 

"Peter Parker, I was wondering when we might cross paths again. This was not quite what I had in mind."

"He was just leaving. He was going to go to bed and not stop to talk to strangers or else he will get grounded since I am pretty sure that I have the rights to do that currently." Tony took a deep breath, the sight in front of him killing him a little. "Right, Peter?"

"Yes, yeah, of course, of course, I was leaving, to go and sleep, and not talk to strangers, yeah," Peter mumbled as he attempted to get around Steve without touching him.

Steve watched the boy walk down the hall, waiting until he was far enough away before he stepped inside of Tony's bedroom and shut the door behind him.

He leaned up against it, arms behind his back, watching Tony closely. He was far more excited to see him then he wanted to let on. The second that their eyes had met, all of the memories had come flooding back to him without warning, despite him doing so well not thinking about him for all of the time they were apart.

"Why are you here?" Tony finally asked, clenching his clammy right fist.

Steve cocked his head to the side. "What do you mean?"

"Why are you here, standing right in front of me, after all this time?"

"You asked me to come here,"

"No, I didn't. I think I would remember doing such a thing."

Steve pulled out his phone, opening the messages from Tony. "Steve I can't do this. I need you. Steve, I think I am losing my mind. Steve, it has been too long since we talked. I miss your stupid face. Honey, we are having a teenager. I've gotten temporary guardianship over the kid because his Aunt is in critical condition. I can't relate. I would make a terrible parent." 

Tony stared at him with a blank expression. 

"Shall I go on?" Steve asked, holding the screen towards his former companion. 

Tony shook his head. "Not necessary," He muttered, feeling ridiculous. He was officially making a mental note of disabling his phone's messaging capabilities when he started drinking. Wine especially, since he was pretty sure that it was the route to all of his problems. 

"So, I am here now, how can I help?" 

"He's only in my care for a few weeks, should I expect to see you leave again when it is all over?" 

"Is that really what you want to talk about? I think we have far more to catch up on then...that."

Tony couldn't believe how struck with emotion he was in this man's presence. All logic was gone and he could have just as well forgotten about thinking clearly. Never before had anyone come into his life and had such an effect on him, and he was certain that no one else ever would. Seeing him was destroying him on the inside, leaving him completely overwhelmed. There was still so much that had been left unsaid when they parted and he had no idea if it made any sense to say any of it now. 

A tear he had been trying to hold back finally fell down his cheek. He was a wreck, but this man made him that way. 

Steve's lips parted at the sight, but words didn't come out. He wanted more than anything to fix all of this, but the damage had already been done.

"Not a day has gone by that I haven't thought about you," Tony said quietly, struggling to keep his voice from cracking.

"I am sorry that I did this to us. I never meant to hurt you. But, Bucky...no, now is not the time to talk about him. I need to fix this before I can fix him." Steve said before walking over to the bed. "Can I sit down?"

Tony nodded.

Steve sat as close as possible to Tony, not to make him uncomfortable, but out of habit from all of the time they had spent together, all the way back to the days before the base of operations had been in the tower.

"I love you," Steve whispered. "Never stopped, if that matters,"

Tony looked at Steve's beautiful blue eyes. He never ceased to get lost in them. "I needed you then, I needed you by my side for so long, and you chose to follow him, to go against me. I am never going to forget that. You could tell me that you love me one thousand times and that still won't change what you did. It won't change how we fought, or how we decided it was over. How are we supposed to move on from that?"

"Maybe we don't, but we could try," Steve told him, resisting too much touching, not wanting to get hurt. He was strong, but Tony had one hell of a punch, and when he was mad it was usually directed at the more sensitive parts of the body.

"I might need some convincing,"

"Well, what did you have in mind?"

Tony leaned his head on Steve's shoulder. "I want you to lay here, with me, and still be by my side when the morning comes. Prove to me that nothing is more important."

"I can do that,"

"Then, when it is time, I want you to try to help me with our sort of son because I thought I had a hold on him, but I don't. We need to stand united, actually united, even with the team."

"I can do that,"

Tony kissed Steve. Nothing too deep or dramatic, just enough to claim their bond once more and show Cap exactly what he had been missing while he was away. "We will have our work cut out for us then,"

"I certainly hope so. Who is the man in red in black, by the way? That is, if you don't mind me asking."

Tony grumbled. "He goes by the name Deadpool,"

"Deadpool? What?"

Tony shook his head, pressing a finger against Steve's lips. "Don't go too deep or I will lose you because you will spend over half of the night trying to understand this man. You won't. So, don't even try. He is an anomaly that I am still trying to figure out. He isn't on the team and he isn't not on the team. It is a long story, but right now I would rather sleep. I always did have my best dreams when your arms were wrapped around me."

Steve lied back, pulling Tony down with him. There were a few details he really should have been sharing with Tony, but he wasn't ready yet. He decided it was better if they just focused on each other, and Peter, for a little while. 

"I love you," Steve said the words again for good measure. 

"I know," 

"I cannot believe you just gave me the Han Solo," Steve chuckled, pushing Tony flush against him. 

"I cannot believe you understood that reference," 

Steve sighed, breathing in the scent of Tony's hair. He felt somehow that this was where he belonged, and he had been stupid for breaking it off before. He should have never allowed it all to escalate the way that it did. He was never going to let anything like that come between them again, not on his life.

"Happy is gonna kill us..." Tony mumbled against Steve's chest. 

"What?"

"He...doesn't like the way I act when I'm with you...and well...here you are..."

"Good to know,"

"Peter better be in his damn bed..."

"Go to sleep, Tony,"

"Fine, fine, I'll try,"

Steve shook his head and pressed a kiss on the man's forehead. From that moment on, he knew they were going to be alright.

 


	2. He Come Groovin Up Slowly

Wade had just settled in and crashed down onto the bed when he heard the knock at his door. 

He ignored it. He didn't have the time or the patience to deal with whoever was on the other side. He wanted to sleep. He was exhausted, as exhausted as he could get, anyways. His mind was still racing as he realized how big of a mess he had made, but that really was only a fraction of his actual problem.

It was clear that the person at the door was not going to give up anytime soon. For some reason, they really wanted his attention. A fact that made him squirm. He thought for sure that this was the beginning of the end. He had managed to not be a part of a certain other team very intentionally, and he had not done that so that he would wind up shacked up with the other one. If he actually had to be in one of these overdramatic book clubs for super people, he would have much rather been a Guardian. He had a feeling that those people were kind of cool, in a badass kind of way.

"WHAAAT?!" He shouted, opening the door so fast that the young boy that was now standing in front of him almost didn't notice. Until the very moment that he did. That was the very moment that he remembered he wasn't wearing his mask. Not that it should have mattered, his skin was a disaster and it was always going to be, but he did try to ease the impressionable into it in order to not scar them for life.

"Hey, uh, I'm Peter, Parker. You are the guy that rescued my Aunt May and I. I actually really only came here so that I could thank you in person. If it wasn't for you, I am pretty sure that my aunt would be dead. I am grateful for what you did. I really am." Peter explained himself, fixated on Wade's eyes. 

For the first time ever Wade felt like a human being again. He knew he was far from it, there really wasn't anything that could be done, but this kid wasn't even acting like there was anything wrong with his face. He seemed nice. 

"Hello, Peter Parker, they call me Wade Wilson, or Deadpool, whatever is easiest. Personally, I think that they are both pretty well fitting, so I always give people the choice. Well, most people." Wade said with a chuckle and his rough looking hand extended towards the teenager. 

Peter eagerly accepted the handshake. This was all that he had wanted. He had simply wanted to actually meet this man and tell him thank you. He couldn't figure out why Tony had such a big deal with it. "I think I like Wade,"

"Then Wade it is," The taller man said with an awkward smile on his strange face. "Nice to meet you officially then,"

"Nice to meet you officially, as well,"

"I was just about to have a beer and watch this horrible comedy movie from the late nineties, you could join me, if you'd like?" Wade felt a little strange being so hospitable towards this basically stranger, but he brushed it off as being a side effect of his overall mental state now that he was too tired to function. He was actually under the assumption that he wouldn't make it more than a couple of minutes into what he was watching, anyways.

Wade could see the contemplation on Peter's face, wondering what might be running through his head. There was so much going on in that moment that it literally could have been anything, but he definitely assumed that whatever internal conflict he had partially revolved around him. He wanted to be telepathic for just a second, but he figured that he had enough voices in his head, he didn't need anyone else's. 

"Well?" He said, but only after he had decided that the young Mister Parker had taken way too long to attempt to answer him.

Peter shook himself out of whatever daze he had put himself into, looking up at Wade with wide, wondering eyes. "Do you serve to people my age?" 

Wade raised the part of his head that would have been his eyebrows, if he had had any. "Um, that depends, am I going to have an angry Iron Man to deal with if I do?"

Peter just shrugged.

"Oh, I guess that answer is good enough for me. C'mon in, kid, let's party. And, by party, I definitely mean being boring and watching this god awful movie together."

"Yeah, let's party," Peter mumbled, looking around before stepping completely into Wade's quarters. He felt a strange pull towards this man, not in a weird way, no, he was not even going to think about that, but there was a pull there, nonetheless. 

***

Steve was horrible at keeping his hands to himself. Usually, it was one of Tony's favorite things, but right now, it was actually driving him half insane. He wasn't entirely sure why, only able to cite the fact that the man had been absent for months prior to them sharing a bed. 

And yet, for some reason he also couldn't get enough of the things that the super soldier was doing to him.

"Mmm...Steve...stop...I have work to do..." Tony mumbled, doing his best to stay coherent and at least speak in semi-complete sentences. 

Steven trailed lower, his lips mapping out a perfect trail down the man's chest and down his stomach. He lifted his head up for a moment, wanting to see the way that Tony's face looked in reaction to what he was doing. He was a little disappointed to see that he was contorted up in an expression that was somewhere between anger and irritation. The pleasure was definitely there, but it was being overshadowed by everything else.

He rolled over, laying back with his hands behind his head. "Point taken, I'm sorry,"

Tony leaned up on his elbows. "Thank you for being here for me. Thank you for not getting up before me. I love you, that is not going to change. Really, it isn't. I am just not ready for us to act like nothing has happened between us, like you didn't leave. I just can't. Before, I wouldn't have even given it a second thought, but you changed me, mostly for the better."

"Well, in that case, let's go face this day together, head on. Remember, we are parents to a teenage boy now." Steve said with a chuckle before pressing a kiss against Tony's cheek. He was determined to make this better, no matter what. It hadn't taken more than seeing his beloved's eyes when he arrived to know that this was where he was meant to be.

"Alright," Tony shuffled his way into a standing position, wobbling a little bit as the red wine headache finally set in. He had been stupid to drink that much, he wasn't a young pup anymore and obviously couldn't recover like he could in the old days.

Steve quickly moved beside him, arm around his shoulders. It was time that the rest of the team, and Peter, and unfortunately Happy, learned that they were, once again, a united front.

"Are you sure that you want to do this? I'll do whatever you want, remember that."

Tony sighed. "I would much rather take this on now, instead of waiting and everyone finding out after the two of us are on better terms."

Steve nodded. "Okay, here goes nothing,"

***

"WHAT?!? NO! This is absolutely not happening!" Shouted someone, but at this point Peter wasn't really sure who. There had been so much yelling in such a short period of time that it honestly could have been anyone. 

He had no idea that this was the type of environment he entered into. It had all sort of began crashing down around him in an instant. If someone wasn't freaking out about the fact that Steve was back in the building, then they definitely were freaking out about the fact that he had spent the night in Tony's bedroom, or they were mad about him talking to Wade. Either way, there was a lot of yelling. Like way more than he had ever witnessed in his entire life.

"Happy, calm down..." Steve said with a hand out, hoping to be able to stop him if the man tried to wring Tony's neck over all of this.

"Calm down!? Calm down!? Don't you tell me to calm down! You weren't here! You didn't have to clean up the mess that you made! You know who did!? I did. I had to pick up all the pieces that were left behind. And, for what? For you to come swooping back in here like nothing even happened?" Happy yelled into the man's face.

"All that I am saying is it only makes sense for us all to get on the same page here. Tony asked for me to come home and I did. I am here for him. The focus shouldn't be on the past." Steve shot back in the most incredibly stable sounding tone possible.

"Right, we should really be paying attention to the fact that Peter did exactly what I told him not to do directly after I told him not to do it!" Tony added in, raising his voice. He glared in Peter's direction, not even acknowledging that there was anyone else in the room. 

Wade put both of his hands up in attempt to make his way into the screaming match that was happing in front of him. "All I did was watch a movie with the kid. I was going to be an awesome guy here and make everyone breakfast before this happened. I make some amazing pancakes. Ya know, just putting that out there for you."

Tony rolled his eyes. "Not the point. I'm not mad at you for being you, I'm mad at Peter for disobeying my direct orders."

"I know that you are supposed to be taking care of me and all until my aunt gets better, but you aren't my father...so maybe you shouldn't be trying to act like one?" Peter said, finally having enough of the conversation that was going on in front of him. 

"Are you all freaking serious right now!?" Pepper stepped out into the main room with a scowl on her face. "I am going to tell you all once to be quiet and listen, if anyone makes a sound before I say so I will kill that person. Do I make myself clear?"

Everyone nodded. No one dared to cross the redhead. Especially not Tony. 

It was time to hear what the great mediator had to say. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is a little short and a little messy, but it's a bridging chapter. Once I get on a proper schedule with this things will run a bit smoother. A week to week thing probably.


End file.
